I guess...

I had a lot more to say when I had no one to talk to. Do not worry the navy has him going away way to soon and I will be back on here pouring my heart out.

It's been a while

So why not....
I put on some weight over the holidays. I went from 147 to 150. I know it is not much but I have not been able to get it off. Since Steve came home I went from 144 to 150. I am feeling pretty bad about it. However it has not slowed my appetite. I have been wanting to eat everything and I have. Which goes into the problem of being depressed. I don't really know why but I have not been feeling like myself. I am questioning if I can ever be satisfied. I am wondering if my fear of getting thinner was right all along. I told my self for years I was scared to get skinny cuz what if then I began to act like my sister or like I use to. I hate to say it but I have been acting like I use to. I have been depressed and angry and spiteful and unhappy when I really have nothing to be unhappy about.
there has been a lot of stressful things going on and maybe that is why I feel bad but in the end it is all an excuse and I stopped giving myself excuses last January. I keep telling myself I am in a rut and I will pull myself out and hope that everyday will be the day, that I wake up and feel better but by the end of the day I am feeling the same. I don't know what is wrong with me but I do know it is my problem and no one else's but the brunt of it poor Steve has to deal with. However I know it is tearing him down and he doesn't deserve it. I don't know but I am starting to get worried. All this gray and rain is not helping one bit.
I just am feeling not good enough. I am feeling very inadequate in every aspect of my life. I am feeling very angry and upset over past mistakes I made but yet could not totally be blamed on me. I am just so tired of never feeling like who I am is enough.

Oh November!

I cannot even believe it is November. How did that happen? Steve just came home in July. WOW
So this is a big month for me. Very exciting in deed. I am filming my commercial on the 7th so 6 days from now! I am obviously stoked about it I mean wow really. I just wish I was rich to go out and buy all new clothes for it since they aren't providing it but what can ya do.
In 17 days New Moon premiers and I cannot wait to see it.
Then Thanksgiving and that is just an awesome time.
Then November will be over. How does it go by so fast?
I wish I was smaller for my commercial but I really don't think I will get smaller unless steve leaves for an extended amount of time lol. However I am already pretty small and much smaller would look a little unhealthy for me anyway.
My neice Taylor has email now and I am very happy about that cause now we can keep in touch and I love her so much that it is really important to me that we can do that.

satellite Heart

So many things are going so right. I started tearing up today on my Monday morning bike ride. My life is beautiful I sometimes wonder how it has happened. I am so happy and feel like everything is right where it should be. I will be filming my commercial November 8th. I am so excited about that. I cannot believe I have lived in Cali a year and will now be filming a commercial. I mean really how does it get better. I am so super excited about New Moon coming out. I already have my tickets and my friend Drew is going with me and we are just gonna have such a great time. I am going as Sookie Stackhouse for Halloween this Saturday to a party...I am just to happy lol. I bested my best this morning to. 10 miles in 46 mins OH YEA baby!! Life is just A W E S O M E!!!!

New MOON

New Moon Movie

I have my tickets in hand for New Moon and the special showing of Twilight! I am so excited I cannot wait!

I love the morning breeze whipping past as we cut through the warm air! On our way to a place where you never know what you might see. Every day holds a new possibility to blow your mind one more time. Today the marine layer is thick it cast dull Grey on a normally blue and white capped sea. AS we ride past you can barely see the waves you know to be there speckled with surfers looking to catch a break. Today a business man out for his morning run with his freshly bought Starbucks stops at a struggling young homeless kid trying to juggle. He has dropped ball after ball. I cannot hear but see the man still holding his fresh bought mocha latte take the 2 bright yellow balls in one hand an through them in the air to juggle teaching the kid all while still holding his cup. Today I see the multimillion dollar beach front vacation rentals with people out sipping their morning cup or grandmothers out watching the children playing with the foam noodles...I know they wishing if only their vacation could last just a few more days. I am wishing as well to live here forever. I pass the shopkeepers opening up shop out sweeping a patio layered with the sand that surrounds them. I pass the oh so fine life guards prepping their gear for the sure to be busy day. I arrive at the end of the board walk to come upon the always reliable volleyball girls today sporting their rash guards and itty bitty bikini bottoms. I turn around to a sun trying it's best to beat back the fog. It is working as I ride the sun becomes stronger and brighter and I am wishing I had not worn jeans for this wonderful ride. Passing the Pacific Beach pier you still can barely see the cottages on the end. Your starting to be able to see the surfers more clearly and the beach goers scattered along the shore. It such a magical place it is only 9:20am and it is already littered with people just trying to catch some of the wonderfulness that is Pacific Beach! Arriving again at the other end of the boardwalk. You can actually see the bright strong sun winning the war against the fog. In amazement we just have to stop and capture this moment to share with everyone who might care about this awesome mother earth's natural beauty!

On our way home the people are more fun to watch then anything else. We ride the sidewalks never sure of what insane beautiful crazy unreal absolutely amazing thing you might see. We a Tandum bike built for two with the cutest old people who no doubt are still madly in love peddling as fast as they can. We come across twoo beautiful women standing outside a small cafe with the smell of coffee all around locked in a loving embrace. Crying brushing the hair back from one anothers face kissing one last time before they break for who knows maybe the last time. Homeless men who say hello and nod their heads.
It is such an amazing world to discover. It is my front yard. It is my home. It is where I belong!

I'd be California...If California was a girl!

This morning when I signed on to AOL it was all decorated with fall leaves...I said to myself hmm I bet Tennessee's trees are turning, wish I could see it. It was a passing thought, a minor tug at my heart strings. I didn't really think about it again until I was cruising down the Pacific Beach Boardwalk that thought came back to me and I was just blown away by how I would not trade California for anything. I love living here so very much. It has changed me so much. I have been chosen to do a commercial for Stroller Strides in November. I mean it just cannot get any better and when I think hmm maybe I might miss somethign else all I gotta do is think about it. Florida with it's humidity and Tennessee haha from what I have heard it has been raining like crazy things are flooded everywhere. Thank god for the Navy and moving us here. Thank god for California!
We might always be broke, we might have a lot to complain about but all we gotta do to snap ourselves out of it is walk out side!