This morning when I woke up I called Tiffany like I always do. Email is still down on the ship and I told her this and she goes on to tell me some stuff about North Korea. Now if you know me you know I do not watch the news. Not even the 5 O'clock news. If I find something out it means it is bad enough that it got relayed to me some how. I am just the type of person where the news really effects me. It is so depressing and yes I would rather stay ignorant in my little bubble and assume the world is ok. Judge if you want but it is how I want to live. Anyways... I could not help but go to foxnews.com and look for myself and it was bad. I have known about North Korea but there were several key words I found incredible alarming. Such as missile and space and threatens U.S. warships...shoot down the rocket...struck with..."thunderbolt of fire"!!!!!!
Those words right there...3 little words have... I have to admit it have had me in tears all day. Now I do not know where Steve is and I do not knwo what is going on and I honestly expect and email any minute saying your an idiot you should not have been upset. The only thing is I have been waiting for that email since yesterday and well I don't wanna say anymore but Steve keeps me up to date if he knows about email being down he tells me and he didn't and that has me concerned.
So in light of all of these things I have been playing the WHAT IF GAME all day. What if something happend? What if he never came home? What if I could never smell him again? What if i never felt his arms around me again, felt his eyes upon me, saw him play with our children, walk Breanna down the isle, teach Dillon to play T ball? and on and on and on all freaking day. Today was a busy day to I was gone almost all day doing errands and so it is not like all i did was sit around and dwell on this. I tried to get my mind off of it but it never happend nothign worked. I kept asking what i would do if this horrible thing happend. Where I would go, how I would react. Part of me said I would get in the car and just drive...The other part said I would lay in bed and weap until my heart gave in and withered away.
I imagined the conversation I would have with my mother. The whole time thinking she was thinking good cause now I would have money and have to come back to Jacksonville.
I cried in the car with the music up so the kids would not notice and be effected. As that is one of me and Steve's rules. We try not to show the kids us being upset about the deployment so they don't get upset for no reason.
I don't know it is sad. It is scary! I don't know how other branches wives do it. Just the thought of him being in danger had me this upset. I could not imagine if he was actually in danger everyday. I could not do that.
The whole point is...I love my husband...but that is not even close to how I really feel about him. You have always heard ppl say where is your better half...well Steve is my better half and without him I really don't think I could survive. He has changed my life more then I ever thought any man could...He is the only man who has been strong enough to hang around. Seeing as how I have and my family has repelled men since my birth! We have been together 6 years and I know I could not live without him. I am not one of those mushy teenagers where they later find out they didn't mean any of this. I have seen my life without Steve and I can not go back to that but without him constantly in my head and heart I know I eventually would. That very thought scares me. Steve and I have had our fare share of issues and things have not always been great and there were times when I thought I may not be in love with him but we stuck it out and now we are stronger and more in love and infatuated with each other then we have ever been before.
I don't know...I just can't stand not knowing I cannot stand hearing I have mail and it not being from him. i cannot stand him not knowing what I am doing today.
On another note...I blame Tiffany for this lol...I don't want to talk to my other friends about this cause their husbands are with my husband and I am not going ot push my craziness on them or give them any bad thoughts and will actually probably send them a message not to read this entry lol. UGGH IS IT OVER YET?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I cannot take it...this BITES!
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I knew I should have never said anything, but I would want to know if it was Mike. Im sorry, I know you hate me and will probaly never forgive me, but im sure it is just routine maintence! Cheer up sunshine!
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry Kristina :( I can't imagine what you are going through, but I will be praying for the email to come up and for Steve's continued safety.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry! I'm sure it's consuming everything right now. You will get a e-mail soon. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteHey, Im just like you, i dont keep up on the news but when i opened my web browser and it said something about Korea, i was all over that. I didnt read all of it...i was to distracted thinking to myself "that damn ship better hurry up and get the hell away from there". I always sit and wonder about the what ifs. And i wait to cry until Kayleigh is in bed. Except when i got the video from Hubby doing the reading program thing...I just cried. This is part of the reason i dont do any of the video conferencing. Im not emotionally stable haha. We are just about half way there hun. I have to tell myself that everyday. And with the internet being down on the ship its hard. I get emails from hubby every day...and since i think the 27th i havent heard from him....his emails get me through the days. all i can do is think whats going on...then im thinking maybe they shut the internet down because of that computer virus that was supposed to hit on the 1st of April. I dont know if that was a haha joke or if it was real. Im here if you need to talk. Im not going to tell you everything will be fine, because if its not, then i would be lying to you. Talk to ya later.
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