I guess...

I had a lot more to say when I had no one to talk to. Do not worry the navy has him going away way to soon and I will be back on here pouring my heart out.

It's been a while

So why not....
I put on some weight over the holidays. I went from 147 to 150. I know it is not much but I have not been able to get it off. Since Steve came home I went from 144 to 150. I am feeling pretty bad about it. However it has not slowed my appetite. I have been wanting to eat everything and I have. Which goes into the problem of being depressed. I don't really know why but I have not been feeling like myself. I am questioning if I can ever be satisfied. I am wondering if my fear of getting thinner was right all along. I told my self for years I was scared to get skinny cuz what if then I began to act like my sister or like I use to. I hate to say it but I have been acting like I use to. I have been depressed and angry and spiteful and unhappy when I really have nothing to be unhappy about.
there has been a lot of stressful things going on and maybe that is why I feel bad but in the end it is all an excuse and I stopped giving myself excuses last January. I keep telling myself I am in a rut and I will pull myself out and hope that everyday will be the day, that I wake up and feel better but by the end of the day I am feeling the same. I don't know what is wrong with me but I do know it is my problem and no one else's but the brunt of it poor Steve has to deal with. However I know it is tearing him down and he doesn't deserve it. I don't know but I am starting to get worried. All this gray and rain is not helping one bit.
I just am feeling not good enough. I am feeling very inadequate in every aspect of my life. I am feeling very angry and upset over past mistakes I made but yet could not totally be blamed on me. I am just so tired of never feeling like who I am is enough.